Dissonance

Rah the capriciousness of the weather is getting on my nerves. The weather was oh-so-perfect with the sun radiantly shining yesterday.. then it just has to rain this morning after I got so psyched up about going cycling today in the would-be-dried-up trails in bukit timah forest. What a bummer. Should have dragged my friends to some outdoor activity instead of bowling.

Visited a polyclinic today for my cough+phlegm which has persisted for more than a week now. It got better for awhile with medication but yesterday all the soreness and yellowish-green phelgm returned again :/ I probably should follow the doc's advise of "no strenuous activity for now" but I can't imagine a day without sports, haha not when I'm sooooo eager to get back in shape. I sooo badly miss/desire/crave the form I had when I was like 15/16! It's the kind of 'invincible-nothing-can-tire-me-out-feeling' that totally rocks your socks off. Resting just feels like a waste of time I'd run swim cycle badminton all in one day if my body permits hahaha sorry my logic short-circuited somewhere.




Anyway, allow me to start on a gloomy topic. I allowed myself to wander off into (a nowadays super rare) emo-mood after dinner today. I read some blog posts and started doing some retrospection.

At first all I thought was "man my english sucks now, and I barely have any intellect left, I should really start reading", and then the emo streak began. - My thoughts went into pandemonium, my countenance furrowed I felt oppressed my whole world disconcerted and my heart felt bitter as though it was eating itself up from the inside and I so wanted to stab it out. So there you go doesn't sound like a very healthy thing to do, not when I've been healthily cheerful for a long long time now. It left me feeling crappy after that. Since I've been there done that I might as well share about it, and I could use some advice and encouragement. Here were my thoughts:


I've made stupid mistakes which I still feel bitter about, and made decisions which I still regret or feel uncertain about. I'm still bugged by certain major "what-if"s and wonder if life could be happier had I made different choices. Circumstances change which affect the state of my family and financial well-being, which I too feel very bitter about. Why us? Why this? Life could have been so much better, if only...

If only I could accept life as it is, and thank God for what I have today. If only I could trust that God has my life in His hand, and that everything is perfectly planned out for me. I should, and have been trying to. Somehow it isn't that easy. I need more of God in my life, and I need more influence from christian friends around me. I haven't really been in a strong christian environment ever since I left acsi, and I really miss it - the prayer sessions, the blessings, and even the morning devotions and monday Chapel sessions. I should really join a cell group. How?


I made 3 resolutions to my friends after O levels, one of which was "I would always be the same weixuan, the loyal friend you've always known". I think I've managed to stick to it to a certain extent - outwardly. But internally, I haven't, and I don't think it's achievable anymore. I realized that what I had was naivety, which was what made life so simple, carefree. And then I lost it, and everything becomes perplexed, uncertain. Life turns into a calculated and cautious affair. I conclude that "being the same" is an impossible feat. I used to be motivated by the school values "scholar, officer, gentleman", and took great pride in trying to live up to. Now my ideals seem to be blurred and I don't exactly have values which I strive to maintain. I need an identity which i can be proud of.

My character feels like quite a mess, I've tried my best to sort it out but now I think it's kinda beyond me, just as it's futile trying to become someone that I can't become anymore. All these conscious efforts are making me feel as though I'm not exactly the real me anymore, or rather what is the real me now? It's just too artificial. I can only pray that God helps me regain my values and improve my character. speaking of which, I haven't prayed for a long time.



I think I'm too much a product of self-effort. I'm trying too hard to change myself, all the retrospection and metacognition are but means of self-correction. I just realized how out of touch I am with Christ, and I should really find out what I can do about it before I forget about it and 'move on with life'. I really need help. I need to involve God in my life again.



So there.. It sucks to be thinking, I was perfectly happy before I started on this, and I should keep it that way. I will never enter emo-mode again, willingly or unwillingly, as much as I can help it. Doesn't feel like a normal healthy thing to do. It's a weakness, an abnormality. I'd probably delete this post in a few days.
I just prayed, and I actually feel better. nice