nozzle alignment check

Its 5.36am and I am studying hard (debatable) as usual. Have a final class test tmr and I'm so prepared I don't think I'd get zero.

This is like the emo time zone or something hahaha its always between 4-6 that my cognitive faculty swings into overdrive. Its like how some printers do routine nozzle cleaning and alignment checks, or how some computers auto-defrag at 2am every morning.

Some things have been bothering me for some time, that I've been trying to address, to zero success.

I wish I could possess true humility, not just outwardly but innately as a spirit. Its not natural to me, though I really want it to be. There are always these thoughts which pop up that I have to consciously struggle against to suppress every time, before they materialize as actions or words (and often I fail). I guess at the end of the day, I'm just not as amiable and transparent a person as I hoped to be.

Feels like there are so many things that I try to hide, this feeling it's one of insecurity. How come? Don't know leh. I conceal my weaknesses, to keep my image and pride, and maybe this is why I find it so hard to open up to people. One day there will be someone who will peel off these defenses and understand me inside out. I just hope she won't be disappointed with what she discovers, which would be the real deal - it definitely doesn't live up to the packaging.

I dislike the way I think. The way I perceive the things around me, its stained with a lot of negativity, still. I dislike that I think, why think so much, just live and be content as it is. Its not like I make very good decisions anyway. Why bother keeping up a prim and proper image, or why bother about it at all. The gravity of my somberness weighs me down that I cannot run and jump with retarded joy.

I wish I could be a clique person, I dislike cliques because I can't fit in them, and I kinda know the reason why, its cumulative of some of the fore-mentioned factors.

I want to be a courtyard extrovert, and not a closet introvert.

I wish I could be more easily contented with things, and not always hope that I could be doing better elsewhere in other contexts, or that things could be better, just like what I'm doing now. I wish I wouldn't worry so much and I wish I could accept things as they are. Its a mindset problem, I need a new frame that faces nicer perspectives.

I read somewhere that happiness is not a destination, if it were to be conditional, then I'd never be happy. It's an emotion, and being an emotion, it comes and it goes, it doesn't persist, and you can't fix it up as a goal either. Just be happy when you're happy, and that's happiness. I need to internalize that.

I'm one big complex, one big walking contradiction, and I hope people can see that. I wish that they would dig deep enough to discover that, past my stubborn resistance. Beyond that I wish they'd empathize and if possible help me.

It's draining to continually suppress. I desire to express and be understood, but I am my hurdle. I want to be honest, not just in blog posts.

It's not that I'm just complaining and not trying, but these problems are kinda beyond me really, so all I can do is pray about it.

Oh well.

K back to work.


P.S I not emo-ing, this called reflection (: