Hahaha stumbled upon these, damn cute. The second one's a little sad, you can go look up the original version from this youtube link, its normal-er in the sense that it has normal sound effects and not sad music. Nevermind I'd just link it here:
I just found out I was a Dean's lister holy crap how come I don't even know.
I don't believe it but what the shit that's some good news thank God (:
I just happened to see it under the student participation and awards record. The issue date is June 2010 but I believe it's more like an end of year update for Sem 1 and not Sem 2 cos my Sem 2 was quite flunk max hahah. I have no idea how this works man, but it's sure nice to see it there yay.
Anyway its been some time mate, thanks if you're still here much appreciated. Looks like I've been overrun by spam taggers hmmm.
So, I'm still in architecture, and the dreaded design module is over. It's study time HOW I MISS STUDYING. I've never realized the joys of studying until I was in HC. I think I've said this before, but thanks again Bernard! Anyhows I don't really get to study much nowadays, its sad. Berns I will continue drawing the sperm warz story after exams.
Recently did a video assignment on NTU's chinese heritage center, damn fun it was, gave me a chance to catch up with NBS friends. Actually... I could have been there but wtf screw you thoughts. It was so fun that I submitted the assignment 4 days past deadline cos I wanted to make it a good one, for my ex-ntu relatives, ntu cousins, brother, and ntu friends. PS try this at your own risk, I asked my tutor for permission first of course, plus we're quite buddy and I am group rep ahaha. I'd probably put it on youtube soon for you guys.
Started jamming again, its gonna be high season soon I hope. Anddd preparing an item for birthday bash already, I'm going to make sure it's wickeder this time hahaha. Oh I'm helping out with Huiwen's hall band! Hooray the more the merrier, and every band I play for is obliged to play for my birthday, its a contract thing, albeit unwritten unspoken.
Need to start exercising some too, must stay competitive in the single's market. Oh do keep the friend suggestions coming too please.
Plans plans plans. I need an overseas escape this dec holidays, and I'd like to get back dancing after the exams. Will sign up for ACCA part-time course too, but next year since I've missed the Aug intake. Considering CFA too but don't know need to do more research. Yes the workload in archi is fucked up but I don't find it fulfilling enough. I need something more to push myself, no harm mate. There are 2 possible outcomes that could come out of this: either I excel and manage everything well or I wake up my idea. It's cool.
I want an ear-stud, what say you?
Aight that's about all that I can think off now, let me leave you with snippets of what we actually do in architecture. Most of the time, I find myself loving the outcomes and products, but the process is just disgusting shit hate it.
I'm feeling quite delirious now so I'd say this today and think about the repercussions tomorrow: I actually like you but I was afraid you'd be on a rebound (hell I don't even know how it works) so I stayed away. Didn't know if it was mutual or not, and no balls to take the risk. And then I didn't follow up and things changed, other guys show up, and now it seems the gulf's a little too deep to bridge. What happens next? Don't knowww. JUST SAYIN. I'd probably delete this when I'm sober and thinking.
(edit: no need to delete. no implications)
So CIAO. All the best for the upcoming papers and cheers to the awesome holidays that come after yeah tc God bless.
Oh one last thing that's been bothering me:
Should I buy Starcraft 2 or Call of Duty Black Ops omg omg omg.
Giant magical castle of Candy land, Gumdrop mountains, Peppermint Forest
Scene 1: (Gumdrop mountains, outside Candy Land)
Mr Licorice trudges on along the beaten path, toward the yonder wilderness. His aimless eyes stare on into the bleak void of the ever obscuring distance, as each shuffle of his laden footstep takes him a step further from the majestic candy gates of Candy Land, a place he once called home; but now no longer. Narration has it that Mr Licorice had left because he was no longer able to tolerate the state’s perception induced prejudice toward licorice, and its general un-acceptance of his licorice consuming ways. A state-wide poll had revealed that only 0.5% of the population stood in favour of Licorice as opposed to Candy, and Mr Licorice wholly represented that 0.5%. .His head hung low, neither in shame nor contrition, but rather in disappointment; along with a dangerous stew of brewing resentment and vexation.
Suddenly, he trips over an irregular protrusion from the ground / spots a bright shiny object in the periphery of his vision. Groaning while recovering from the ground / pausing and peering over to scrutinise its form, he realised that it was an awesome crown, half embedded within (something). Bemused, he picked it up and placed it over his head, only to be overwhelmed by a surge of power flowing through his body. The awesome power transformed even his shabby coat into a sinister looking cloak. The clear sky became overshadowed, and menacing gusts were rushing in and around him, which somehow resembled fire extinguisher emissions. He raised his hands, and an evil smirk spread across his face, “nice..... >:D”. Empowered for vengeance, he (a) snapped his fingers, and a mindless villainous trolley squeaked and rolled into place. He stepped aboard and was skated off the scene, (b) ran off the scene, his evil laughter trailing in his wake.
Scene 2: (Candy Land Castle backdrop)
Gingerbread boy Jib had travelled the Rainbow road in search of the annual Sweet Celebration, when he stumbled upon the marvellous candy gates of Candy Land. With his touristy outfit and trusty harvest sack, he entered through and was very warmly received by the locals. They were excited to have a visitor and were intrigued by his part flour part sugar physique. They scurried to have his harvest sack and excessive tourist loads removed. The Candy Land citizens comprised of assorted candies, as well as the very pretty candy princesses, and together they showed Jib around. They danced and sang in jubilee, and even the magical castle moved and grooved along. Suddenly, they realised that something was amiss: the Candy Land Castle behind them was changing. Shades of sinister black were forming over the brightly coloured hues of the Candy Castle at a gradual but very constant rate. Much murmuring broke out between the Candies, along with much pointing and gesture exchanges between them worried faces.
Scene 3: (Candy Castle, [turning to the] evil side)
Suddenly, LORD Licorice burst forth into the scene, (riding on his trolley?), with his minion of (to be decided by the costumes team). Some of the Candy mates scream and scamper away, while the rest cower and retreat towards the backdrop. Some of them just stone in shock and confusion and have to be pulled away. LORD Licorice had returned with a vengeance, armed with a vow to turn the brightly coloured Candy Land into a licorice hued expanse. They do a war dance, and halfway through / at the start, he lets off an evil laugh, and at the wave of his hand, the entire Candy Castle turned evil in an instant. With the wave of his other hand, licorice vines crept out and entangled the castle. . His evil licorice aura was not only changing the castle, but black licorice spots were appearing on the candy mates as well! They panicked and struggled to have the spots rubbed off.
He issues for an order to have the candy mates captured, and a scuffle ensues (in dance form, with a very graceful clash of colours and organized confusion, I personally think it’d involve more capturing and evading rather than 2 sided aggression). The candy mates became quickly subdued and captured by the licorice army, except for Gingerbread Jib and a few surviving candies who found concealment somewhere in the backdrop beside a tree/bushes/something. The gigantic candy gates open, and a giant ramp is lowered, bridging the chocolate moat (?), and LORD Licorice steps up to the platform, orchestrating his attack, and letting off evil laughs once in awhile. Cock-eyed as he is, while looking to the sky and laughing, he is unable to spot Gingerbread Jib and his team below him.
Noticing this, Gingerbread Jib seized the opportunity to rally his remaining survivors against the nefarious LORD Licorice. He stood up, and proposed a plan to his fellow comrades. They proceeded to create a contraption that would help them defeat LORD Licorice, and chckhcktingtingpiak within seconds it was done. One of them raises up the contraption in celebration when it was completed and behold, a (self extending toy tweezer / giant vacuum cleaner / gigantic fan / hooked candy cane)! Gingerbread Jib jumps out of concealment and runs into centre stage, and points a finger at LORD Licorice in a very defiant manner. LORD Licorice sees this as a challenge, and steps down to accept the fight. His army moves aside so as not to obstruct him. Gingerbread Jib has thus effectively created a distraction, and the rebellion plan is set into action. His candy mate comrades sneak out of concealment, two of them squat to form an elevated platform for the third, who steps on top and uses the tweezer/candycane/whatever contraption to remove the crown off LORD Licorice’s head.
LORD Licorice was absolutely caught by surprised, and turns around in shock, stunned. The candy mates throw the crown to Jib, who catches it and wears it. The licorice army, now under the control of Jib, turn their gaze towards Mr Licorice, now powerless, helpless. A candy kid jumps out and points off stage with a pout, signalling that he leaves. Mr Licorice quietly abides, and solemnly walks off.
Scene 4: (Candy land back to good, and even more exuberant than usual, plus nicely decorated licorice-inspired designs)
Just as he takes a few steps away, Gingerbread Jib grabs him by his shoulders. He turns around, expecting to be captured, but Jib, now empowered, waves his hand and the Candy Castle returns to its glorious former appearance. Jib looks at Licorice, as though to say “look”, then he waves his hand again, and this time Licorice incorporated designs pop out of the castle as well. He turns back toward Licorice with a warm smile, and Licorice immediately understands the significance of this gesture: We can happily co-exist in mutual respect. (This wasn’t decided but I think Jib should remove and break the crown into half somewhere). They hug and everyone is happy, and the candy mates run out again, interacting with the licorice dudes. They all do a happy mass dance and co-exist happily ever after.
From: Jane Gilles Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm To: David Thorne Subject: Overdue account
Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm To: Jane Gilles Subject: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am To: David Thorne Subject: Overdue account
Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am To: Jane Gilles Subject: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account
Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am To: Jane Gilles Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
Yes please.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account
Attached
From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am To: Jane Gilles Subject: Whose spider is that?
Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?
Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am To: Jane Gilles Subject: Automated Out of Office Response
Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.
Regards, David.
From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am To: Jane Gilles Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm To: Jane Gilles Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
"There is, in fact, one primary reason that white guys (and no doubt Asian and black guys too)are attracted to Asian girls.
It's the packaging. The package, and the stereotypes conveyed by the package are what hold the appeal.
They're generally slim, and that means slim all over. You seldom see an Asian girl who's top-heavy, or bottom heavy, or particularly curved in any way.
The shape of their face tends to to be rounded, with taut skin, and their features tend to be small and delicate within that rounded frame - to the extent of being doll-like, when cosmetics are used to emphasise.
They are petite. You are not going to find an Asian girl who towers over anyone.
What this adds up to is an overall impression of being childlike, not in a way that calls to a pedophile response, particularly; because they are usually clearly adult, but in a way that stimulates the natural/socialised response of a "strong" male to protect what is apparently fragile. An Asian girl may be hard as nails - just like her caucasian counterpart - but her combination of size, smooth skin, slimness, upward glance and childlike voice will make her present as intensely "feminine" in the old damsel in distress fashion, right before she beats the shit out of you on the judo mat. This is especially true, of course, in girls raised within Asian cultures, which emphasise specifically feminine behaviours for women, but is also evident in Asian girls raised in Western traditions.
This is not meant as any kind of derogatory judgment of men, or Asian girls, but an analysis of the artifice of nature. The physical peculiarities of the young Asian female are such that she tends to present to men partly as a little girl - and nothing is more guaranteed to arouse a tender, protective response than a girl-child -- and partly as a flirt, sexually available and challenging but ultimately non-threatening. It's hardly surprising, then, that men are attracted.
You'll note that throughout, I've used the word "girl", rather than "woman". This is because with age, the particular attraction of Asian over other races of women fades fast. When the illusion of childishness disappears, so does the intense aura of femininity, slimness becomes gauntness and tendency to lack curves can often lead to an almost genderless appearance in middle-age and beyond, where other races of women retain a greater level of feminine allure (Yoko Ono, as compared to Susan Sarandon, for example).
Oolong reminds me that I should specify that I'm speaking of East Asian women in this write up. He's right, I should. "
I received my grades on Monday, 31st May, the very day I had to make my decision. They were not too bad (surprisingly good actually), an A for architectural construction, a B+ for climate responsive architecture, and a B- for biophysical environment (considering that I missed a tutorial which constituted 12.5%). My design was C+, which didn't come as a surprise. I had ponned so many tutorials anyway, until my tutor refused to grade my final crit presentation. Sigh. (I apologized after term ended anyway and we laughed and all was good)
I was actually hoping that my grades would be bad enough, such that they could assuage my dilemma to an extent where I can say "oh well, even if I want to stay, I can't live with such grades". I schemed to have them left to die, but no, they gleefully returned. They hopped out of my sms and onto my lap, and with a smile of blissful ignorance they looked up at me and exclaimed: "Heyy Xuan! How have you beennn, don't worry bout us we're still doing very fine (: Where did you go! You disappeared for awhile so we been a little affected, but naw anyway, look at us aren't you proud of us! heehee :D"
My heart melted, and I hugged all of them "of course I am so proud of you guys! (: Aww c'mon! You guys are my babies". I tried to smile, but it couldn't last, guilt was bearing down on me. Soon, my head was hung low in shame.
I thought they didn't know, but I was wrong. With his tiny feet, C+ came tottering over to me, and tugged at my shirt. I looked at him, and he was still beaming so radiantly, even though he was the shabbiest, and the most beat-up among the rest (thanks to my neglect for Design assignments). He patted my hand and said: "Hey Xuan, don't worry we understand what you're going through, but don't worry. I could have easily been "D"ead, but I'm not. You know why? Because we are your results, and because you never fail. I was an "A" once when you still cared about me, and you will always have the capacity to change us. So don't worry naw, we'd always support you where ever you go. We believe in you (:"
"Thank you so much guys...", I patted their heads, and they began to fade away as they waved good bye.
Once again, I was left with me and myself, and reality. Putting all humility and whatever-consciousness aside, I unabashedly say: "Hey, I think I'm really cut out for archi, I have the potential to excel here, no really."
But I'm transferring out.
So, what's the problem now? I've asked myself countless times, why wouldn't architecture be the course for me?
First I'd remind myself why architecture: It's a professional degree, it has prospects. I'm doing well in it. I take pride in my designs. It is a really meaningful profession. The pay is good. Green architecture is really awesome. I could help save the world. 5 years isn't too long. I love archicon. I love creative problem solving and this is what architecture is all about.
And then, I'd always come up with reasons why not: what I like is art, and architecture is not art. Art is personal, liberal, architecture is not. I design for myself. I hate conformity. I can't stand designing for other people, fulfilling clients' requests, or obeying and dutifully materializing out my boss's design, cos after all, they are all not MINE. I don't like the idea of having to stare at black autocad screens (as if excel spreadsheets are any better) all day long, or work long hours, having to change or alter designs based on the whim and fancy of my client/boss right up till the deadline. I lack the passion and I will never be able to dedicate every minute of my day thinking about my design and how I can improve on it. Without this passion, I'd go nowhere. I never had an interest in buildings anyway (actually it's growing). The pedagogy is so bullshit I'm not learning anything out of it (true but I think we're supposed to acquire them ourselves through books), and the assignments are all rubbish I don't see what I'm supposed to gain out of them (It'd get less fluffy and more practical in the later years, or at least I hope). There are so many terrible architecture around seriously, I'm losing faith in this profession. (I can be one of the better ones). The list goes on but it's getting late I'd stop.
As I pondered, there would always be these bubbles of thoughts popping out which disagree with my disagreements with architecture, and they are as stated above, enclosed within brackets. Thus, I was never thoroughly convinced of my decision to leave. I felt as though I was running away from something.
Hours before I clicked that dreadful button, I interrogated myself over and over again; all fruitless. Then I realized I had been missing the salient question:
"What is the real reason I want to leave?"
I finally confessed: it's because I'm lazy. Because I want assignments that I can finish in a jiffy and get them done and over with. Because I want assignments that are definite, that have an end point that isn't the deadline. Because I am too lazy to spend time thinking about designs and architecture. Because I'd rather spend the time doing all the other things that I love doing. Of course, architecture will never be my main priority, and that is the biggest problem in itself: Passion and commitment are the core requisites that this course/profession demands, and I will never be able to fulfill them. It isn't hard, to just sit down on my table and start doodling or dreaming out concepts for my models. But because it's so intangible and formless, I just can't bring myself to start. Design's a tiring process, which is why I dread it. I'd rather take the simpler path out, I am just terribly LAZY.
_____________________________________________
The deadline's over. I've clicked that button.
Now, what's left to think about? Plenty. Should I? No. I've learned. Retrospection is never pleasant, besides revealing burdens of the past, there is never much to be gained. All these self stirring digs up regrets, and I will only find within these, greater barriers to acceptance. Neither will I find happiness, because happiness flees the instance it is sought. You pause, and you think, and before you can even form the words "am I happy?" in your head, it's gone.
Move on pal. Leave the heartache for another day. Leave it for the day it hits.
I had a dream one night, about a month back during the study week. I was in school, when I received an envelope. I tore off its seal, and enclosed were my application results. "Rejected," it read. Troubled, agonized, "why??", I was pacing around school with my laptop, scouring the school website for any confirmation that would state otherwise. I bumped into some of my archi friends along the way. I explained my predicament, and they responded with sincere concern. "Harrr..". He said: "nevermind lar you still have us yay".
I awoke the next morning with a deeply furrowed countenance. A queer sour sensation was stirring within my chest, and my heart pulsations felt more pronounced than usual. My eyes weren't the usual moist either. The dream bothered me, so I sat on my bed for a moment, pondering. It didn't help, and I was still confused, after all I had already spent 3 years wondering if architecture was good for me. All I knew then was that, given the circumstance, whatever time I had left with the guys shouldn't be neglected and thrown to waste, but rather be conscientiously wrapped up and shelved neatly into the archive of treasured memories. With that in mind, I headed to school to study with a dear friend.
Few weeks on I had an interview for ntu accounts, which went pretty well. The interviewer actually said "you know what, I actually like you a lot. I am going to give you the course now", so I was like "hahahah okay I take". So there, there isn't anything else in the way.. except for me and my head.
I walked out of the interview room, beaming with pride and satisfaction. Just for the interview I had gone shopping for black business pants and slim fit zara shirts the day before. Just this morning today I spent half a day reading parts of a 5cm thick manual titled "Accounting: the language of Business".
What's this excitement that fills me while slipping on executive shirts and overalls? What's this very unusual zeal I have that causes me to read up or even read at all? All these actions I don't understand, and I cannot validate them. There's this lingering "what-if" floating around that I suppose I can never find an answer to, and it'd most certainly bug me for life, just whether or not I choose to entertain it. Sure, Accountancy's a bright path, logically undisputed. Does it truly reflect what I desire? Maybe. Maybe not, and maybe I'm just a fool in denial, convinced that I am thinking for myself, when in actual fact I'm merely making decisions based on the Xuan that I wish to be, that I am not. Have I been living a farce?
Sickening, all these dreary maybe's. Life would be simpler if there weren't no mental faculty for meta cognition, but it's innate and I can't help but think, so bear with me.
Perhaps there is much to be contrite about, that maybe I'm just another pathetic statistic of the Singapore-syndrome demographic. Practicality-driven drones as we are, enslaved to the vicious cycle of ever ascending achievements. From where does happiness derive for these people? (us?) Not from the simple pleasures of being able to marvel at the work of our hands, of being able to admire up and down and 10 times over, the architectural masterpiece as materialized from the blueprints painstakingly laid through days and nights of geometric lines and black autocad screens. Not from the thrill of walking into a room, decorated with a perfect composition of harmonious colors, and then proudly explaining to your friends how x and y exist z degrees apart within the color wheel thus birthing their complementary co-existence. Not from the gratifying sensation of running your fingertips along the textured walls of the corridor as you have chosen them to be, or of seeing how your part fits into the whole and then witnessing and exclaiming at how awesomely the glorious whole turns up, more than the sum of its parts.
Not.
This satisfaction stems from pride and achievement. Promotions, burgeoning payrolls, parking lots with inscribed vehicle registration numbers; to excel they strive.
So, which is more meaningful? Yeah, it's a pity.
Perhaps, my mindset is fundamentally not so different from the very elitists that I despise. Someone tell me that it's fine.
I envy.
Architectural students shouldn't be pitied for their miserable notions of Life (if any at all), because there's much to envy if you think about it. The camaraderie and friendships, forged through countless hours of working together, getting tired together, stay overs and deadline rushes are experiences that I will never be able to enjoy, because I dread Design and studio. I mean, where else does such a community exist in university life. The dedication they pour into their works, and the passion that costs them their sleep, are traits that I'd never be able to summon. They have that fire that burns in their eyes when they build them models, it's so powerful it's scary, and yet inspiring. They complain just as much, but you can tell that they really want to do it. You can tell that I really don't, but I really wish I could say I do. The joy and satisfaction of staring lifelessly at the finally completed model after nights of slogging; it's priceless, and I'm really glad that I was at least able to enjoy that. People who chase their passions, I envy.
This path that I'm walking, I must go alone
as Fergie sings it. Indeed.
It'd be sad, but I think I've been hit hard enough by too many departures to be much affected by this one. It numbs. I hope. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be missed should I really disappear next sem, and then my brain tells me "you think?! you don't even work in studio".
Sigh :(
A friend told me that if I could remember my dreams, they wouldn't come true. If that were true, it'd hardly involve a choice, after all how is it possible to forget a dream like that. Heart wrenching, but a conclusion at least. Shyt.
Just watched Virgin Snow (Hatsuyuki no koi), a korean/jap show staring Lee Ju.nki and Aoi Miya.zaki. Niceeeeeeeeeeee and sweeeett. Waa it's like two awesome actors + both of my favorite cultures combined into one movie. It's another "Weixuan recommends!", alongside "Be With You".
Argh I should really stop watching these kinda shows, they don't happen in real life. Maybe the sweet fateful coincidences, but maybe not so 3 of them in a row, and definitely not the background music.
"Ame.." / "Bi.."
I'd get to write my own story someday. Soon please.
Shiawase wo machiwabite. Akirame nai de, gambatte na.
My Japanese cousins arrived in Singapore today. Went over to visit them when school ended. School was a mad rush today, a 3 hour design assignment worth 30%. 3 hours for precedent studies, climate comparison, thinking, re-designing, writing and drawing to fill up an A1, not quite enough.
Anyway, she brought back the pink little booklet I drew on for her in Japan last time, so that I can draw more for her. In exchange, she said she'd teach me more Japanese. hahahah, damn cute. Good deal though. I managed to draw 3 drawings for her, within like, half an hour, which is like pretty damn fast for me hahahah I'm so proud of myself. In turn, she taught me how to describe the drawings. I borrowed the book back to scan, I'd upload them for you guys to see soon.
After tonight's dvd, I roughly know what kinda theme I'd be sticking by for the next few drawings. hahaha.
They'd only be staying till next Fri though, so, can't spend much time with them. Wish I could visit them more but time is tight. It's very tight in fact, with 3 major datelines next week, a performance for some chingay thing this Sat, and dancesport nationals next Sat. Malaysian nationals 2 weeks later, and then exams right after that.
But, I'd like to finish up my incomplete "flower garden"/"progress" drawing before they leave. It's supposed to be a surprise gift, but it's been on hiatus for wayy too long. And, I'd probably pon a day of school to company them out to play.
Now for a dose of incoherent whimsicalities:
I want to go Japan during my long hols, when the Sakuras are still in bloom. And then find myself a Japanese girlfriend. Or I might drop by Korea to do just that. The next time I visit these places, I'd dig out their street culture enclaves, and battle their bboys. Then, I'd be assimilated into their group, make new friends, and find a bgirlfriend naisee. I want a shiny new bass, and the new Boss multi-effects pedal. I want my bird to stop mimicking weird noises now at 4am. Makes me wonder, what on earth has she been listening to while we aren't around. I want a pen that can make my drawings come to life. I want my shoulder to stay in place.
Btw, thanks much dear friends. 22nd was awesome thanks to all of you (: I was really awesomely happy. Makes me feel like celebrating it every Friday, so that i can invite you guys down again. Looking forward to 23!
Oh ya I am now on like, twitter. hahaha you can find me there
A butterfly descends on my finger, and I reach out with my other hand to caress it, ever so gently, only to have it fluttering away the moment I touch it.
It flitters away to the neighboring meadow, and skims along the undulating carpet of wild flowers and dandelions, dyed a beautiful golden by the warmth and essence of the weary setting sun. It lingers for awhile longer, as if to check if I were following, before finally disappearing into the glare of the horizon.
I am left standing, hand outreached, squinting into the distant landscape. Bemused? with a tinge of despondence.
The butterfly has disappeared, just as all the butterflies before it have. But as with every passing butterfly that has visited, specks of shimmery dusts were left behind, rubbed off from that one stroke. They call it butterfly powder. Alluring, enchanting, intriguing.
Each butterfly is unique, each with its own magic. I lift up my finger to inspect the remnant dust, oh how they glisten under the evening sun. I bring my finger to my nose, and I breathe them in.
I turn, and stroll back towards the solitude of my shelter, a wry smile breaks forth from the corner of my lips.
Butterfly dust nourishes, it catalyzes growth, it engenders change. What was strength to the butterfly is now strength for me.
The dust is at work, I've acquired something new yet again. I am different.
Butterflies change me, and with each encounter, I am a step closer to becoming the Butterfly Man.
Wurtt???
Errrrrrr. Never mind. hahahah. It's my 4am cryptic partial-sanity.
Grab the flight consoles, and pull up now, cause we're going to crash, and it's gonna burn real bad.
Wake up.
It's not worth it, you deserve better. Times have changed, the weather is as bleak as it can get. Pellets of hail pelt the plane, and a rocky cliff face looms right ahead. The pilot isn't dumb or visually impaired is he.
Find yourself, know your worth. It's time to break away. Steer thy course, find your way, return to the clear of day.
Determination itself knows no bounds, but this is as far as dignity would have you go.
Usually in life, one should learn to let go and move on. Whether I hold on or not, I will need to move on, because the world still spins and I still have a life to account for. Of course letting go would be easier, but I'd really rather not.
Dear Min,
I figured I should have a post dedicated specifically for you, that I may allow you to know how I'm thinking, so that you won't be left guessing. I don't wish for you to come up with wrong conclusions via guessing, and no more subtle messages to guide you whatsoever, because there's a risk of you misinterpreting them, as my friend pointed out. I'm here to take the first step in making things crystal clear for you, I hope it helps. I’ve left comments on my previous posts too, do read.
I thought we were supposed to be dating, to give us a chance to know each other better, but apparently it's getting further and further away from that. Then, we were supposed to be like best friends and hanging out more, but somehow it isn't happening either. Sometimes you feel so cold and distant, that sometimes I wonder if I should ever have written that letter in the first place, cos you were so much warmer and nicer to me before. I don't regret the letter, but how come? Did something happen between Wednesday when we last met, and today? You were so friendly to me then, when I was chatting to you from Melaka, and then when I came back, things changed again. I don't blame you though; I must have thrown your world off balance with that sudden letter, especially when you already have feelings for someone else. I honestly didn't consider that. I can't ascertain how you're feeling, but I guess you must be confused and wondering how in the world I just reappeared like that. Are you intentionally avoiding me? Where is this going now?
This was never what I asked for ): It was supposed to be simple and straight forward, just a second chance, if you'd let me, so that we may be dating again to see if anything could come out of it. I didn't ask for you to be my girlfriend, and I didn't ask for you to arrive at that decision instantaneously either. I merely asked for a chance, and there was no dateline. Now, does it mean that we can't hang out anymore? I can't be nice to you even though I want to, because you'd start avoiding me? I can’t look at you and smile anymore, because you’d break off eye contact immediately? I can't ask you out anymore? Why are we so complicated.
It Feels like we're drowning in uncertainty and misunderstandings instead.
By the time you read this, this post would have collected quite an amount of dust, having been kept under 'drafts' for such a long time. I'd rather say these than write these. Nothing beats face to face and eye to eye conversations in terms of sincerity and geniality.
I would meet you to talk instead, if you would let me. I asked you on msn but you disappeared halfway. I left an offline message which you should have read but you didn’t reply. With the way things are now, meeting up doesn't seem likely, until you initiate something. I can tell that you need space, so, sure, please take your time and have all the time you need. I don't want to end up annoying you or something, and I need my space for now too. So, I'd leave you alone until you give me a sign that it's okay to talk to you again.
So far we've been very straightforward in person haven't we? And don't you always feel so much less burdened after that. I would rather not type messages on my blog, hoping that one day you'd read them, and hopefully catch the intended intents and inherent messages. So from now on I'm directing them to you instead of posting them under the guise of some generic topic, and I’ve simplified my previous posts for you as well, (under comments), if they were meant to be related to you in any way, you could read them. My friends would read them too but it’s okay, only a handful visit and all of them are my best friends, they don't judge.
We should just trash things out; nothing's more exciting than an argument no? And nothing is more comforting and mind easing than knowing just what exactly is going on in each others' minds. Couples emerge stronger after fights. I'm very sure we could really help each other feel better. I'm wondering how I can have you assured enough to open up your thoughts and to me. Are you afraid of hurting me with the truth? If so, I wish I could hold you by the hand and say, "don't be", and it'd be genuine.
I'm still left with a lot of unanswered questions, no doubts about that, but I am doing very fine, so don't worry. I'm telling you because I know that you still care, you're nice this way.
And as lost as I am about what you want or how you feel, I'd answer hypothetical questions; of things that I think you could be thinking and perhaps some of them may ease your doubts.
You told me to stop thinking, so yeah, really, I think I'm quite abiding. As I had told you, I thought things through that day, and after that I gave up, cause no matter how much I guess, I wouldn't know what you're thinking, until you clarify it. So might as well you clarify it right. Communication is so important.
You're probably feeling very bad for hurting me, but don't be, because I do believe you were really really confused, you just need time. But I hope you won't rush to a decision just to end my pain or something like that, because I'd always be fine one day, like how I am now. If you did that, it wouldn't be a well made decision would it? Because it isn't what you really want, but rather what you think is the right thing to do, under all that pressure. And it wouldn't be fair to me. When I wrote the letter, I was aware of and had accepted the fact that I was taking on a major risk. Just that I never anticipated everything to crash all of a sudden, it was unexpected and that left me at a total lost. As much as I like you, I won't allow myself to be hurt forever, so naturally I had to start cleaning up my emotions. Given what you told me, I had to prepare for the worst too, which meant emotional withdrawal. If a graph were to be drawn depicting the relationship between emotional investment and hurt, they would be directly proportional. Less emo, less pain, it's just a matter of time, and fortunately it didn't take me long to recover this time.
Inevitably, I became paranoid when there was such a huge disparity between what I came to expect, and what I was actually experiencing in reality. Happiness was so short lived. You gave me the 2 happiest days of my life, and suddenly you took it away. When you decided to distance yourself from me on Saturday, you didn't tell me why. Thus, I continued to expect the same from you, only to gradually and painfully realize I wasn't to expect the same treatment anymore. It's not that I don't trust you, I do and I would, but you gave me nothing to cling on to. I searched high and low, for that last missing piece of the puzzle: assurance. I started caring about everything, because everything could be a sign, and I was looking for one that would tell me that everything was alright, when obviously they weren't. Everything became a sign; the tone you used, how fast you replied me, how long you type, how many smiley faces you inserted. It’s emotional insecurity that results from the lack of affirmation, and it was bad because it came with confusion and helplessness. It was the terriblest feeling ever, so please never do it again. On hindsight I shouldn't have poured so much emotional commitment into a relationship so early on, when things are still shaky, but oh well, lesson learnt, I will never be this vulnerable again, it's stupid. I felt so much better after Wednesday, cause then I finally knew what was happening. So once again as I've said in the message that day, sorry for being paranoid, I didn't mean to doubt you. I can't blame you either, because as a girl, it's hard for you to tell me such things, and you probably didn't know how to, I understand.
So there you have it, why and how I was affected, why I was sad, and how I regained normality.
I’d like to ask: Have I been nice enough? Have I been too nice? Have I been unreasonable? Am I asking for too much? Have I been pretentious and insincere? I don’t know if I’ve done anything wrong to piss you off, and I really can’t think of any. :/ Have I? If yes, what have I done?
If you’d like to ask: Have I done anything wrong? No, you were confused. Are you okay? Yes I am. Are you hurt? Of course, I’m left wondering how on earth did things end up this way, as I watch our relationship go down the drain. Are you angry with me? No, why should I be? Are we still on good terms? Yes, we’d always be good friends. Are you irritated with me? Starting to be, because you leave things open ended without an answer, I’m left guessing, until I can’t be bothered to anymore. And I don’t like how you’re purposely not being nice towards me without explaining why. Do you think I’m leading you on? No, you’re confused, and either way I’d be going on.
The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of.
But reason knows what's best for your heart, and guards it.
I think you already know it, just that you girls always tend to deny what your brain tells you. I will never get, and I know that I can't change it, but I really wish girls could follow more of their heads rather than their hearts. I know that you're prudent, but it just gets me worried, because it's exactly what players operate on to manipulate your emotions - your unguarded heart. I just don’t want you falling for someone who would hurt you.
Feels like I’m subconsciously trying to convince myself that I’m good enough for you, maybe I am. Maybe I’m trying to convince you.
Either way, I have to be very thankful towards you, because this whole episode has already taught me countless life changing lessons.
You said you were fickle minded, and that you didn't want to hurt me. I don't doubt that you're fickle minded, and I don't think I'm much better than you either. But no matter how fickle minded you are, I don't believe you would ever hurt me when you’ve committed. It's not likely to happen, not for people like you, or me, because when we love, mean it. Because you said that when you really love someone, you'd love him real deep, and that's really all that matters isn't it, and that's what convinces me that you're worth it. Would you let someone walk into your life if you think that he/she is might just walk out of it someday?
Out of the both of us, you should be the one that understands love better. I have only just begun to grasp the beauty of it, thanks to you (Read previous post comments for what I’ve learnt). And you should know much better than me, that once you're in love, there is no-one better than the person you love. I've never believed that, until I allowed myself to love you, it was life changing. True story. So how is it possible that you would break my heart by liking another guy? Would I hurt you if I said one of the reasons I moved on last time was because I was worried that I might meet someone else one day and that I might lose interest in you and hurt you? I'm sorry, but it's true, I'm not as nice as you think I am, and I really hated myself for that. I couldn’t trust myself then, because I could only guess. Now I can, because I have experienced it.
Ask any of my friends, and you’d know love isn’t a word that I would use casually. I have had so many crushes, infatuations and eye candies that change so often, but they never do mean anything, because they’re just such surface level interactions. If I say I’m interested in someone, it means that I don’t know her well enough to like them, there’s a feeling, but that’s all there is to it. After I get to know them, and understand how they’re like, and I’m still interested, I’d say I like her. But to say that I love someone, it takes many months of understanding, trust and faith, security and assurance, and of course unexplainable, undeniable chemistry. I can’t say I love you yet, but I’d use the word in this post anyway because this is by far the closest I’ve ever gotten to truly loving someone.
You said that I deserve better, and that there are better girls out there. Maybe I do, and definitely there are better girls out there, but it doesn’t change the fact that I chose you, because you're different from all the rest, because you're unique and there isn't another you in this world. Love can't be earned, therefore it cannot be deserved. When it can't be deserved, it is unconditional. Maybe you think you don't deserve me loving you, but I do anyway. Perhaps you might think that I shouldn't be so nice to you, or that you don't deserved to be treated so nicely by me because of who you are, how you think, and what you've done, but I will be nice to you anyway because I love you.
There are many reasons why guys look for girlfriends. We sincerely believe that we are simple creatures, wayyyy simpler than you girls. There's one saying that goes like this : " There are only 3 categories of interaction a guy can have with a girl, to put it most bluntly, 1) he wants sex 2) he loves her 3) For company ". It's quite vague, but it's actually rather accurate. (1) is all about hormones; it’s all based on lust, and they don’t think about anything, they just want it. (3) is just to ease their loneliness, guys need girls in their lives anyway, keeps them sane. But, they don't think about how far they'd go. It's the combination of the above factors that determines what type of guy he'd be. 1 + 3 = player. When guys are in (2), they always mean it, it’s serious, genuine, and committed. They no longer thing about themselves and their hormones take backstage, life revolves around her world instead, about caring for her, making her happy, and showering her with affection. So, which category do you think I belong to?
I hope you chose 2, because it is the only option that represents everything I’ve believed in for the past 21 years of my life, which is that for every guy in this world, there’d be this one girl who could empower him with strength that he has never known. She would change his life for the better, and he will see the world in a whole new light. Just by the power of her emotional support, he could take on the world, and conquer it, and when that happens, he’d make her queen, and they’d live happily ever after. I know its naive thinking, but it gives me hope.
I read this in an olddd blog a long time ago. This girl was talking about how sad uni life was, cos she can't find any hunks in lectures. She then got quite emo and said to herself, " Face it, min, it’s fate. You will never be with the guy that you like ". One day I could be the one feeling that way instead, and I hope I don’t, even though I know it’s not true. Which makes me realise, is this karma? Was this how lost you felt last time when I said nothing at all? I’m so sorry.
I really missed the times we had when we were both mutual, I really do. I was so happy then, and then I lost my mind. I was confused, maybe just as you are now. If I could have any super power in the world, guess what it’d be, and what I’d do with it. The biggest mistake I’ve made in my life was that I didn’t cherish you when I should, and I’ve really regretted. Now I’ve asked for a second chance, and if you’d let me, I will treasure you with all my heart and I will never let you down again. You told me, it’s all about timing, that’s the first time I’ve heard that, and I don’t know if I should agree or not. I pray that one day you will find back in yourself, the feelings that you once had for me 5 months ago. Only time will tell, and perhaps there’d come a day when our timings would click in place. Months or years from now? During Rag perhaps? I don’t know, but I’d be waiting. Unless you’ve become a totally different person or something, I will accept you, because you’re what I need, and I know you’re good for me.
Why do I like you so much? Or may I say, why do I love you? I’ve asked myself this so many times, but I can’t answer it, really. You asked me the same question, and so I asked you, do I really need a reason? I’m so glad you said no, because as much as I would like to convince you that I do love you, I just can’t answer it. If forced to, there are many reasons I can come up with, but I’m not sure how many of them would actually stay true forever. I may be able to come up with reasons now, but if you ask again next time, I might probably give you different reasons. People change, feelings change. Perhaps what’s most important is that I really appreciate you for how you are, and I know that you’re someone I can trust. You’re just special to me, your personality, your feminine and gentle demeanour, your quirkiness and strong individual identity, your laid back lazy self, your simplicity in life, your special dress sense, your diverse talents, your unique likes and dislikes, your ambitiousness, your morals, your beliefs, your naivety, your resilient, independent and strong willed self, and even your strong-headedness. These would be the reasons I’d give at this point in time. Maybe the reason why we ask this question is because we all wonder, “what is it in me that the other person would see, that makes him/her think that I am worth his time?” We shouldn’t be afraid of letting each other down, because it’s only human to fail, and love is blind. We are bound to screw up some time or another, but it’s love that embraces these screw ups. I thought happiness was good enough a reason, I still think it is, but there would be times of unhappiness too won’t there?
I don’t know where we stand now, but I hope it’s still at the take it slowwww and no rush phase, cause I’m finally there now, even if it took some time. Need be, I could start from square 1 the third time round, but just don’t strike me off yet. It’s only been 2 dates, is it a little too early to tell?
I’d like to ask, is there anything more I can do now? But I already know the answer, “no”. Because, I live in reality which tells me that there’s only so much I can do, when there’s no reciprocation of any sort. So, I will carry on with life as usual. I’ve laid down all the cards that I can play at this moment, and it’s your turn to play yours. One day when your heart is decided and you have chosen someone, I hope it would be me that you’d let into your life, because I want to be there for you, to love you and to care for you. To ensure that you wouldn’t be lonely, and to see to it that you’d never faint again. I’d wait for you when your dance class ends, just to see your face light up, to bring a smile to your face. We’d run out of school in between breaks to play golf or console games, or we could just sit in quiet content in a nearby amphitheatre, watching the sun set as time goes by. Please, take your time to choose, because I won’t run away. If you need help deciding which cards to play, tell me and I’d guide you, whether or not it decides if I win or I lose, or whether or not a third person wins, and I lose. No matter what, please remember that at the end of the day, we’d always be dear friends, and you will always be special to me, because I have once loved you.
For now, this thing called love, I’m letting go of it. But, I’d be waiting, and I know that if it comes back to me, it’d be mine forever. Otherwise, it just isn’t meant to be.
A collection of relevant questions from noob and friends
Q: Just follow your heart, is that good advice? A: Not. To be used in conjunction with the left brain. Otherwise it'd lead you into retarded situations ie. back into the arms of a jerk. Know what you want out of it, long term, and visualize how much of it is realistically possible. Think about how serious you are into it.
Q: Do I need a reason to like someone? A: No, just ensure that you have the right intentions. Happiness is good enough a reason.
Q: How do I know she's the right one for me? A: You won't, until you've committed and tried. Rationalizing and hypothesizing won't get you anywhere.
Q: What if someone better comes along? A: There will always be someone better coming along. If you can't treasure that uniquely special someone that you've chosen, and would choose the "upgrade" option whenever it's available, then maybe it's better that you stay single.
Q: What if I get together and someone better really comes along? A: Think about it when it comes. Usually you won't be noticing that someone unless your own relationship is shallow and teetering.
Q: Why do girls like bad boys? A: No fucking clue!
Q: Is it true that good guys never get the girls? A: Actually they do, when they turn 40.
Q: I'm waiting for my ideal girl to appear, still waiting. A: Help yourself to a seat and continue waiting for the rest of your life. Either way, as a man, you don't wait, you search.
Q: What if it doesn't work out? I don't want to commit and end up getting hurt. A: Discern and choose wisely then. It can only be classified as "didn't work out" after you two have tried working things out, to no avail. If so, at least the pain is allayed by the knowledge that you two have tried your best.
Q: I'm in my first relationship, and I feel paranoid and insecure, is it normal? A: No, it means communication breakdown. It's your job to provide her assurance, and vice versa.
Q: But I'm like that what... it's either she like it or she don't. A: There's a balance between acceptance and conformation. It's not wrong to want to change your partner, and it's not wrong that you don't want to change for her either. But realize first that change could be a means of improvement, and she could be nurturing you toward a better self.
Q: I'm afraid I can't commit. A: Are you a commitmentphobe? Then don't commit. Player? Engage a fellow player.
Q: My prospective partner is afraid to commit. A: Could be that he has had bad emotional experiences before. If so, make sure you are able to commit before you coax him out and have him believe that you are seriously into it as well. If you can't, don't lead it on, be decisive and end it fast.
Q: It feels like my prospective partner likes me, doesn't want to lose me, but wants to keep her options open in case of better possibilities. She has other suitors too. A: It isn't nice to retain so many cards while taking your time to decide which to keep, before playing all the rest away. Have her wake up by making her cognizant of the fact that you are not a constant in her fickle-ly variable life, and that there is a very real possibility of her losing you. And hopefully she'd wake up and consider, realizing that you are too good to lose.
Q: My prospective partner makes me feel special, but is somehow unable (unwilling) to commit any time for me, or provide any form of verbal emotional commitment. A: You are being played, see above. For your best interests, set a definite dateline for her, to be in a committed relationship, or else get out completely. Don't float on in her sea of indecisiveness.
Q: I thought she was a nice girl, how did this happen?? A: Sorry but we all thought so too ): We wish there would exist an absolute way of distinguishing between good girls and 'good girls' but there isn't. They all look the same.
Q: I like this girl and confessed as well. There is a possibility of her liking me, but as for now she likes someone else. Should I continue trying? A: As things are now, there are four possibilities: 1) they get together and you be heartbroken, 2) it doesn't work out for them and you finally have a chance, but that would mean you were a "back-up option" all the while, can you live with that. 3) nothing at all happens, you could be gd friends 4) She changes her mind and likes you back, undoubtedly the best ending of all, probability of 1/4. Sorry but you'd have to decide for yourself.
