So the world ends

in 3 weeks? No it doesn’t.

Usually in life, one should learn to let go and move on. Whether I hold on or not, I will need to move on, because the world still spins and I still have a life to account for. Of course letting go would be easier, but I'd really rather not.

Dear Min,

I figured I should have a post dedicated specifically for you, that I may allow you to know how I'm thinking, so that you won't be left guessing. I don't wish for you to come up with wrong conclusions via guessing, and no more subtle messages to guide you whatsoever, because there's a risk of you misinterpreting them, as my friend pointed out. I'm here to take the first step in making things crystal clear for you, I hope it helps. I’ve left comments on my previous posts too, do read.

I thought we were supposed to be dating, to give us a chance to know each other better, but apparently it's getting further and further away from that. Then, we were supposed to be like best friends and hanging out more, but somehow it isn't happening either. Sometimes you feel so cold and distant, that sometimes I wonder if I should ever have written that letter in the first place, cos you were so much warmer and nicer to me before. I don't regret the letter, but how come? Did something happen between Wednesday when we last met, and today? You were so friendly to me then, when I was chatting to you from Melaka, and then when I came back, things changed again. I don't blame you though; I must have thrown your world off balance with that sudden letter, especially when you already have feelings for someone else. I honestly didn't consider that. I can't ascertain how you're feeling, but I guess you must be confused and wondering how in the world I just reappeared like that. Are you intentionally avoiding me? Where is this going now?

This was never what I asked for ): It was supposed to be simple and straight forward, just a second chance, if you'd let me, so that we may be dating again to see if anything could come out of it. I didn't ask for you to be my girlfriend, and I didn't ask for you to arrive at that decision instantaneously either. I merely asked for a chance, and there was no dateline. Now, does it mean that we can't hang out anymore? I can't be nice to you even though I want to, because you'd start avoiding me? I can’t look at you and smile anymore, because you’d break off eye contact immediately? I can't ask you out anymore? Why are we so complicated.

It Feels like we're drowning in uncertainty and misunderstandings instead.

By the time you read this, this post would have collected quite an amount of dust, having been kept under 'drafts' for such a long time. I'd rather say these than write these. Nothing beats face to face and eye to eye conversations in terms of sincerity and geniality.

I would meet you to talk instead, if you would let me. I asked you on msn but you disappeared halfway. I left an offline message which you should have read but you didn’t reply. With the way things are now, meeting up doesn't seem likely, until you initiate something. I can tell that you need space, so, sure, please take your time and have all the time you need. I don't want to end up annoying you or something, and I need my space for now too. So, I'd leave you alone until you give me a sign that it's okay to talk to you again.

So far we've been very straightforward in person haven't we? And don't you always feel so much less burdened after that. I would rather not type messages on my blog, hoping that one day you'd read them, and hopefully catch the intended intents and inherent messages. So from now on I'm directing them to you instead of posting them under the guise of some generic topic, and I’ve simplified my previous posts for you as well, (under comments), if they were meant to be related to you in any way, you could read them. My friends would read them too but it’s okay, only a handful visit and all of them are my best friends, they don't judge.

We should just trash things out; nothing's more exciting than an argument no? And nothing is more comforting and mind easing than knowing just what exactly is going on in each others' minds. Couples emerge stronger after fights. I'm very sure we could really help each other feel better. I'm wondering how I can have you assured enough to open up your thoughts and to me. Are you afraid of hurting me with the truth? If so, I wish I could hold you by the hand and say, "don't be", and it'd be genuine.

I'm still left with a lot of unanswered questions, no doubts about that, but I am doing very fine, so don't worry. I'm telling you because I know that you still care, you're nice this way.
And as lost as I am about what you want or how you feel, I'd answer hypothetical questions; of things that I think you could be thinking and perhaps some of them may ease your doubts.

You told me to stop thinking, so yeah, really, I think I'm quite abiding. As I had told you, I thought things through that day, and after that I gave up, cause no matter how much I guess, I wouldn't know what you're thinking, until you clarify it. So might as well you clarify it right. Communication is so important.

You're probably feeling very bad for hurting me, but don't be, because I do believe you were really really confused, you just need time. But I hope you won't rush to a decision just to end my pain or something like that, because I'd always be fine one day, like how I am now. If you did that, it wouldn't be a well made decision would it? Because it isn't what you really want, but rather what you think is the right thing to do, under all that pressure. And it wouldn't be fair to me. When I wrote the letter, I was aware of and had accepted the fact that I was taking on a major risk. Just that I never anticipated everything to crash all of a sudden, it was unexpected and that left me at a total lost. As much as I like you, I won't allow myself to be hurt forever, so naturally I had to start cleaning up my emotions. Given what you told me, I had to prepare for the worst too, which meant emotional withdrawal. If a graph were to be drawn depicting the relationship between emotional investment and hurt, they would be directly proportional. Less emo, less pain, it's just a matter of time, and fortunately it didn't take me long to recover this time.

Inevitably, I became paranoid when there was such a huge disparity between what I came to expect, and what I was actually experiencing in reality. Happiness was so short lived. You gave me the 2 happiest days of my life, and suddenly you took it away. When you decided to distance yourself from me on Saturday, you didn't tell me why. Thus, I continued to expect the same from you, only to gradually and painfully realize I wasn't to expect the same treatment anymore. It's not that I don't trust you, I do and I would, but you gave me nothing to cling on to. I searched high and low, for that last missing piece of the puzzle: assurance. I started caring about everything, because everything could be a sign, and I was looking for one that would tell me that everything was alright, when obviously they weren't. Everything became a sign; the tone you used, how fast you replied me, how long you type, how many smiley faces you inserted. It’s emotional insecurity that results from the lack of affirmation, and it was bad because it came with confusion and helplessness. It was the terriblest feeling ever, so please never do it again. On hindsight I shouldn't have poured so much emotional commitment into a relationship so early on, when things are still shaky, but oh well, lesson learnt, I will never be this vulnerable again, it's stupid. I felt so much better after Wednesday, cause then I finally knew what was happening. So once again as I've said in the message that day, sorry for being paranoid, I didn't mean to doubt you. I can't blame you either, because as a girl, it's hard for you to tell me such things, and you probably didn't know how to, I understand.

So there you have it, why and how I was affected, why I was sad, and how I regained normality.

I’d like to ask: Have I been nice enough? Have I been too nice? Have I been unreasonable? Am I asking for too much? Have I been pretentious and insincere? I don’t know if I’ve done anything wrong to piss you off, and I really can’t think of any. :/ Have I? If yes, what have I done?

If you’d like to ask: Have I done anything wrong? No, you were confused. Are you okay? Yes I am. Are you hurt? Of course, I’m left wondering how on earth did things end up this way, as I watch our relationship go down the drain. Are you angry with me? No, why should I be? Are we still on good terms? Yes, we’d always be good friends. Are you irritated with me? Starting to be, because you leave things open ended without an answer, I’m left guessing, until I can’t be bothered to anymore. And I don’t like how you’re purposely not being nice towards me without explaining why. Do you think I’m leading you on? No, you’re confused, and either way I’d be going on.

The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of.
But reason knows what's best for your heart, and guards it.

I think you already know it, just that you girls always tend to deny what your brain tells you. I will never get, and I know that I can't change it, but I really wish girls could follow more of their heads rather than their hearts. I know that you're prudent, but it just gets me worried, because it's exactly what players operate on to manipulate your emotions - your unguarded heart. I just don’t want you falling for someone who would hurt you.
Feels like I’m subconsciously trying to convince myself that I’m good enough for you, maybe I am. Maybe I’m trying to convince you.

Either way, I have to be very thankful towards you, because this whole episode has already taught me countless life changing lessons.

You said you were fickle minded, and that you didn't want to hurt me. I don't doubt that you're fickle minded, and I don't think I'm much better than you either. But no matter how fickle minded you are, I don't believe you would ever hurt me when you’ve committed. It's not likely to happen, not for people like you, or me, because when we love, mean it. Because you said that when you really love someone, you'd love him real deep, and that's really all that matters isn't it, and that's what convinces me that you're worth it. Would you let someone walk into your life if you think that he/she is might just walk out of it someday?

Out of the both of us, you should be the one that understands love better. I have only just begun to grasp the beauty of it, thanks to you (Read previous post comments for what I’ve learnt). And you should know much better than me, that once you're in love, there is no-one better than the person you love. I've never believed that, until I allowed myself to love you, it was life changing. True story. So how is it possible that you would break my heart by liking another guy? Would I hurt you if I said one of the reasons I moved on last time was because I was worried that I might meet someone else one day and that I might lose interest in you and hurt you? I'm sorry, but it's true, I'm not as nice as you think I am, and I really hated myself for that. I couldn’t trust myself then, because I could only guess. Now I can, because I have experienced it.

Ask any of my friends, and you’d know love isn’t a word that I would use casually. I have had so many crushes, infatuations and eye candies that change so often, but they never do mean anything, because they’re just such surface level interactions. If I say I’m interested in someone, it means that I don’t know her well enough to like them, there’s a feeling, but that’s all there is to it. After I get to know them, and understand how they’re like, and I’m still interested, I’d say I like her. But to say that I love someone, it takes many months of understanding, trust and faith, security and assurance, and of course unexplainable, undeniable chemistry. I can’t say I love you yet, but I’d use the word in this post anyway because this is by far the closest I’ve ever gotten to truly loving someone.

You said that I deserve better, and that there are better girls out there. Maybe I do, and definitely there are better girls out there, but it doesn’t change the fact that I chose you, because you're different from all the rest, because you're unique and there isn't another you in this world. Love can't be earned, therefore it cannot be deserved. When it can't be deserved, it is unconditional. Maybe you think you don't deserve me loving you, but I do anyway. Perhaps you might think that I shouldn't be so nice to you, or that you don't deserved to be treated so nicely by me because of who you are, how you think, and what you've done, but I will be nice to you anyway because I love you.

There are many reasons why guys look for girlfriends. We sincerely believe that we are simple creatures, wayyyy simpler than you girls. There's one saying that goes like this : " There are only 3 categories of interaction a guy can have with a girl, to put it most bluntly, 1) he wants sex 2) he loves her 3) For company ". It's quite vague, but it's actually rather accurate. (1) is all about hormones; it’s all based on lust, and they don’t think about anything, they just want it. (3) is just to ease their loneliness, guys need girls in their lives anyway, keeps them sane. But, they don't think about how far they'd go. It's the combination of the above factors that determines what type of guy he'd be. 1 + 3 = player. When guys are in (2), they always mean it, it’s serious, genuine, and committed. They no longer thing about themselves and their hormones take backstage, life revolves around her world instead, about caring for her, making her happy, and showering her with affection. So, which category do you think I belong to?

I hope you chose 2, because it is the only option that represents everything I’ve believed in for the past 21 years of my life, which is that for every guy in this world, there’d be this one girl who could empower him with strength that he has never known. She would change his life for the better, and he will see the world in a whole new light. Just by the power of her emotional support, he could take on the world, and conquer it, and when that happens, he’d make her queen, and they’d live happily ever after. I know its naive thinking, but it gives me hope.

I read this in an olddd blog a long time ago. This girl was talking about how sad uni life was, cos she can't find any hunks in lectures. She then got quite emo and said to herself, " Face it, min, it’s fate. You will never be with the guy that you like ". One day I could be the one feeling that way instead, and I hope I don’t, even though I know it’s not true. Which makes me realise, is this karma? Was this how lost you felt last time when I said nothing at all? I’m so sorry.

I really missed the times we had when we were both mutual, I really do. I was so happy then, and then I lost my mind. I was confused, maybe just as you are now. If I could have any super power in the world, guess what it’d be, and what I’d do with it. The biggest mistake I’ve made in my life was that I didn’t cherish you when I should, and I’ve really regretted. Now I’ve asked for a second chance, and if you’d let me, I will treasure you with all my heart and I will never let you down again. You told me, it’s all about timing, that’s the first time I’ve heard that, and I don’t know if I should agree or not. I pray that one day you will find back in yourself, the feelings that you once had for me 5 months ago. Only time will tell, and perhaps there’d come a day when our timings would click in place. Months or years from now? During Rag perhaps? I don’t know, but I’d be waiting. Unless you’ve become a totally different person or something, I will accept you, because you’re what I need, and I know you’re good for me.

Why do I like you so much? Or may I say, why do I love you? I’ve asked myself this so many times, but I can’t answer it, really. You asked me the same question, and so I asked you, do I really need a reason? I’m so glad you said no, because as much as I would like to convince you that I do love you, I just can’t answer it. If forced to, there are many reasons I can come up with, but I’m not sure how many of them would actually stay true forever. I may be able to come up with reasons now, but if you ask again next time, I might probably give you different reasons. People change, feelings change. Perhaps what’s most important is that I really appreciate you for how you are, and I know that you’re someone I can trust. You’re just special to me, your personality, your feminine and gentle demeanour, your quirkiness and strong individual identity, your laid back lazy self, your simplicity in life, your special dress sense, your diverse talents, your unique likes and dislikes, your ambitiousness, your morals, your beliefs, your naivety, your resilient, independent and strong willed self, and even your strong-headedness. These would be the reasons I’d give at this point in time. Maybe the reason why we ask this question is because we all wonder, “what is it in me that the other person would see, that makes him/her think that I am worth his time?” We shouldn’t be afraid of letting each other down, because it’s only human to fail, and love is blind. We are bound to screw up some time or another, but it’s love that embraces these screw ups. I thought happiness was good enough a reason, I still think it is, but there would be times of unhappiness too won’t there?

I don’t know where we stand now, but I hope it’s still at the take it slowwww and no rush phase, cause I’m finally there now, even if it took some time. Need be, I could start from square 1 the third time round, but just don’t strike me off yet. It’s only been 2 dates, is it a little too early to tell?

I’d like to ask, is there anything more I can do now? But I already know the answer, “no”. Because, I live in reality which tells me that there’s only so much I can do, when there’s no reciprocation of any sort. So, I will carry on with life as usual. I’ve laid down all the cards that I can play at this moment, and it’s your turn to play yours. One day when your heart is decided and you have chosen someone, I hope it would be me that you’d let into your life, because I want to be there for you, to love you and to care for you. To ensure that you wouldn’t be lonely, and to see to it that you’d never faint again. I’d wait for you when your dance class ends, just to see your face light up, to bring a smile to your face. We’d run out of school in between breaks to play golf or console games, or we could just sit in quiet content in a nearby amphitheatre, watching the sun set as time goes by. Please, take your time to choose, because I won’t run away. If you need help deciding which cards to play, tell me and I’d guide you, whether or not it decides if I win or I lose, or whether or not a third person wins, and I lose. No matter what, please remember that at the end of the day, we’d always be dear friends, and you will always be special to me, because I have once loved you.

For now, this thing called love, I’m letting go of it. But, I’d be waiting, and I know that if it comes back to me, it’d be mine forever. Otherwise, it just isn’t meant to be.